ADD and Growing up

I'm seeing if I have ADD still compared to the observations and registering it. Why? Because I am generally frustrated at my lack of concentration. In high school I was ok with my A, B, C standard I seemed to have depending on how much I could understand and concentrate on a subject. Because it didn't exactly matter then.

Now, however, it matters a great deal. I can't have more times when I am worried as hell that I haven't managed to pass. So I got up the courage, asked my shrink where the office is for registration and have started the progress to figure out whether I am or am not faking ADD. I'd prefer having it to not having it because it means my dopey behavior and my issues with completely being unable to do stuff some days because I can't focus are not just in my head. Instead it is a chemical progress I can solve and make it so I can be more how I want to be.

Of course... My mom doesn't understand. The past several months I have tried and failed to get a job because I couldn't get up the nerve to go out and explore. Not only that but it takes an hour to get to any businesses nearby... So I was waiting til my bike was fixed or I had time to get to a place and be able to get to a place for shifts. My mom assumes it is my laziness when my laziness is because I think on things.

I often times need a push to go do something when I am afraid. My shrink and getting assessed for ADD only really happened because Mom was going "Do that now". But when it comes to thinking on things... I need the time to focus and think and research just enough that when I bring myself to do it I won't mess up too badly. But my mom does not understand that about me and calls it laziness... I do not have the self esteem or nerve now to tell her to look at the definition of ADD but if she did... She would understand how much trouble I have now.

And... Probably still be as grief inducing. But that is a part of my growing up. I have learned to understand that no matter how much I wish my mother was not the way she is about things... She grew that way through particular reasons and frankly... I'm only peeved at how she is when it doesn't help me and only hurts me.

Am I somehow wrong?

This is a bit of insecurity coming through and if you don't want to read it then you don't have to. As you know... I am Trigender but what you don't know is how absolutely frustrating being trigender is. There seems to be this lack of understanding about genders outside the binary line and I can get that. That's why I actually picked a gender of male for people to call me if they refuse the singular he. But there are more issues then just that.

For example... Those who recognize transgender think of it as transman or transwoman. That's it. It takes someone who is of an alternate gender or well informed to change this viewpoint and even then, it is more common to just go with the first gender you got rather than just asking. What is so hard about asking "what gender are you today", looking at the clothing I'm wearing or even better, looking at the bright orange button that  tells whether today is the "call me she and I'll stab you" day.

Must I be masculine to the point of compensating for something? Or Feminine to the point of caricature? Do I need to point it out to every person in the room and embarrass myself? I figure at least one person can remember my default gender if necessary to introduce me but no... Every time I dress my sex it seems to make people assume that I will always be that way and am just a crossdresser. I am one... In the opposite way.

And it goes for advice too... Crop your hair short or you'll look too feminine. I like my hair long, is that a crime? Wear masculine clothing if you want to be seen as masculine. But I like feminine clothing. Call me she because I wear a damned female shirt. Am I not allowed even that? A lot of the gay guys in the room come in with distinctly female shirts. And I swear assumptions get even more frustrating.

I've gotten comments on this. I commented how I might have a few surgeries and I was considering hormones but I might not do it. Most trans individuals are surprised by my lack of tunnel vision involving transitioning. Does this make me less trans? I don't think so. I think they just assume that someone can't be androgynous or switch between two points or three points without wanting to transition.

I am considering it... I am also still torn on hormones. Many people are. Hormones mean injecting yourself and taking pills for the rest of your life. It is not a choice to take lightly and depending on the hormone can lead to big changes. Sure they are right and they are good for people but they are not something to rush into. Specially for someone who can handle their biological body for a little longer.

I am still trans. I still want to transition to the opposite sex at some point. I would like to be asked whether I am male, crossdresser or androgynous today. But people just take the lazy route... But since when was the easy route the better one? My dysmorphia does exist and does get worse every time people do not call me by the pronoun as proper for the day.  If you really are that confused, go gender neutral or he, those are my two usuals. Thank you.

Why I listen to the music I do...

I've been having some moral dilemmas about my music lately. Namely... since I'm in the LBGTQ I probably shouldn't listen to certain songs with words like Faggot... Key word here being shouldn't. But when I looked through my song list I found a lot of songs I like have that word. So I spent weeks instead working to justify the word and deleting the songs which do not have justification. A warning I'm going to use this word a lot since it is the particular problem.

The first thing you must understand is that I actually like crude songs. I may understand that those words are wrong but I get a sick glee hearing them and saying them anyways. They just have this awesome sound to them. This leads me to kind of think of most swear words as artistic license. In general, there is a reason the words were used, not only with meaning but simply because the rhyme wouldn't work otherwise. Have you heard the snide censoring some artists do in replacement of their actual song because it messes with their song? I would never censor a song, the swear words are an integral part of the song. That being said... Uses in my playlist do need to be addressed.

Otep has fag a few times but it is sort of ironic considering she is a lesbian. It is kind of the n-word privileges there... Not right but who is going to tell her that. Besides... There is the argument that can be true that it is ironic. It is used deliberately to show how bad the word is and to lessen the impact... Somehow to belittle a word that has such a strong negative impact to it.

Korn, on the other hand, took a lot of justification. For those who don't know Korn, shame on you and those who do probably don't know them well enough. They have an earlier song called Faget and another song called All in the Family, which uses it. I will dissect each song separately...

Faget is a song about bullying. It is easy to see why the word is used. Those words had a strong impact on Johnathan Davis since those words were directed at him. How much of White male and even not so white male culture uses words like gay and faggot to scold males for "ill" behavior. Feminine males and those with wrong orientation do all the time. In this sense, Faggot in the song is not against gays. It is a general insult turned back and a bully victim using it against a bully. In this line, context makes it less offensive although still not right.

All in the Family is even harder to understand the use of. This song is Fred Durst and Johnathan Davis insulting each other. They both use the word and even do some remarks that could be seen as homophobic without context. Now... I can't say anything to defend Fred Durst for continuing to use it but... Johnathan Davis has an excuse and probably hates the word as much as any gay guy. He is straight but due to the issues from the incident described in the song Daddy from the first album, he probably got the insult a lot at a time when he couldn't even bare to touch females. He couldn't confirm his heterosexuality so faggot to him is less an insult to him because he is insulted being called homosexual but because it was used to undermine his heterosexuality when he couldn't prove otherwise.

In All in the Family he actually turns it around by using the idea of being gay to make Fred Durst uncomfortable almost as though to say "What? Is there a problem with that?" When Fred Durst brings up the insult again, Johnathan Davis becomes very blatant with the homosexual references. The song is almost a deconstruction both showing that it is indeed possible to insult a white man and all the possible insults but also... It points out the absurdity of all of the insults including faggot. The only time it gets too much is when Johnathan Davis becomes borderline graphic which makes Fred Durst's brain shut down with a "Dude..."

But I admit these thoughts are only my assumptions to justify. The only way one could truly know is to ask the two artists on the list. There are probably more inappropiate words and phrases but I'm not going into that now.

Gender Studies

Wow... It has been a while. Anyways, I have started some gender studies stuff... Some of it is ok some of it is not. Right now I have two courses where I listen and hear a lot of feminism. I have to remind myself that I need the courses to pass and that I need to listen to both perspectives but it is still hard. My favorite class is Gender Studies one. My professor is wicked and the fact that it is an examination of the breaking down of labels is... Exactly what I wanted.

We have discussed baby storm, racism, sexism on both fronts, the impossibility of the ideal gender role and we even had a discussion on Transgender today. I love this class.

Drag Queens and unique scenes

I am such a strange strange person. I'm so easily drawn to stuff. I was reading a book about Drag and everything, I'm now daydreaming about it. Certainly would fulfil my desires and like of show business. My mother certainly wouldn't approve and my Dad would view it oddly. Also... When one is Trigender.... Is one a Drag King, Drag Queen or some different category that is yet unheard of?

I love how Drag is supposed to beat the boundary of sex and gender yet the whole group, the whole category, is split by whether the performer is biologically male or female... As far as I have heard, drag Queen and Drag Kings have completely different acts. Not the least of which this is because they developed differently and to counter the gender norms for each individual...

While Drag Queens have a lot of make up and interesting dress up, Drag Kings tend to follow the no make up rule. When one is a Drag King one tries to look more male, when one is a Drag Queen one goes more into a act of a female. Certainly there is Androgyny in Drag Queen world but not in the Drag king world. That honestly...It's ironically stupid, those rules although the acts are different. Although I do think they could be different without my knowledge which would be interesting.

I technically shouldn't be posting this since I need to go to an exam but I'll get this off my chest. I've been good otherwise... I'll mention the stuff about my Grandma here later... Putting this up to remind me to post it up. For now bye.

Gender, sex and sexuality

I had a bit of an interesting class on Monday. I discovered I actually liked the particular class, philosophy of gender, since it has such an open friendly air to it. Not only that but the views in it were great. I found there actually were reasonable feminists if it were possible in the course readings. Not to mention, I learned one of the other professors was a crossdresser who went in full female dress for the first day of class. -grins-

Sadly it wasn't the first day but I did find that awesome. Anyways... I'm not going to be telling my sex but I will be telling what I think about things. Specifically about the concepts of gender, sex and sexuality...

First off... Gender wise... I learned a lot of tips about gender but yeah... Gender is really integrated into society. you'd be surprised. A lot of how we treat people is dependent on shit like that. If I were to walk up to you in androgynous mode you'd full on probably be unable to talk to me unless I gave a hint of a gender. I'm trigendered so I have been studying male and female mannerisms a lot. I still haven't learned it all yet. there are a lot of different cues that are both subtle and unsubtle with that stuff...

Sex is... well... the physical body. I'm not particularly sure how I'm going to go with that but I know that I don't really give a shit if someone is intersex or of the opposite sex to their gender. I'd treat them equally, it'd be hypocritical not to.

As for sexuality... I do not approve of being stupid with it but I have no problems with orientation or people experimenting. I do think once you marry or fall in love you should stay loyal unless they break the trust. I have been waiting for my girlfriend for two years... Well... Near two years. Some would call me a fool, I'd call myself a hopeless romantic, but I like her. I have never strayed in more than thought.

All of these are pretty important but I am still trying to learn them. It's late so that is all.

Odd moods

I've been dealing with a lot of interesting moods the past few days. Sorry it has been so long since I posted but school and you know...

Anyways, my first odd mood was a black dark mood. When the dark mists of evil and murderous intention takes you over. Your very urges are those that would hurt others or yourself. I had one of those after curiosity made me watch a video with an anti gay preacher exorcising the homosexual demon. That made me a bit sick. Actually a lot sick. I'm bisexual and the faces of those kids in that video was horrible. It took several hours to get out of that mood.

Of course, the next day my mood was some sort of bizarre hippy mood. I was constantly amused and pleasant with everyone. Joking, teasing masculine mood. It was fun but that mood was kind of a strange one in and of itself. I figure it was to counteract the day before.

And today... i watched the dog whisperer and decided to try an assertive, calm mood... to my surprise it worked. My dog didn't bark all walk and the whole walk was pleasant. I also got a mojito and we ate a roast today. So overall quite pleasant. That's basically all for my day. Oh and second summer semester starts tomorrow. I look forward to it.